| Takeover warning! |
[03 Oct 2003|03:49pm] |
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Just to let everyone know I've moved back to terra012. This journal will be reserved for Meghann-moods only.
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| Righty-ho then |
[03 Oct 2003|11:39am] |
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That's such a dweebish English saying, lol.
Anyway, I've decided I'm moving back to terra012.
I'm also going to back up this journal, and my entries that I wrote on my laptop on NF and Japan last year but never got around to posting, once I get a paid account so I can set up friends filters again.
Jub must be thinking I'm a right weirdo right now, and she's probably right. *shrug*
Went to the gym this morning, but I'm still feeling rather tired so I didn't do especially much... And I've got the details of a Japanese tutor from my neighbour, she's a teacher at Rugby School and teaches English to Chinese Mandarin/Japanese-speaking students. I've left a message on her answering machine so hopefully she'll get back to me this evening.
I tested myself on my hiragana again this morning and only got 7 of them wrong. It's coming back to me quickly now.
I should go and do something productive now :D and stop trying to type on this computer with my laptop's keyboard. It doesn't work!
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| *legs are collapsing under me* |
[02 Oct 2003|10:19pm] |
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Today has actually been really busy.
Let's see...this morning I went to the gym with my mum, but didn't have much energy because I didn't have enough starch for breakfast and I forgot to take a cereal bar or something. After we got back I started re-learning hiragana...and it's a lot easier than learning it for the first time.
After lunch my mum had to go get her hair cut, and I stayed here and chatted with Mi-chan via comments. Sent her a nice long email, including aforementioned Terra/Meghann essay :D I hope I've confused her sufficiently.
Then we went up to the library in search of my books...which aren't on the system at all. Which apparently means they've been sent to the Warwickshire headquarters and they're deciding what to do with them. The stock person doesn't recall seeing them either.... So I guess that means I'll have to buy them again. Well, I had to try. Actually, my mum reminded me that our neighbour once told us about a local Japanese tutor....she said she'd pay for me to have proper lessons....so that might be a possibility. I meant to get the details of the tutor today, but I forgot. Have to do that tomorrow instead.
Before dinner I sorted out all my artwork that I did at the hospital (and there's quite a lot of it, too). And I got out a few old pictures I had stuck on my wall....now I have 1 of hide, 3 of Mr. Depp (2 being Jack Sparrow) and 3 of Kaoru stuck up, along with the quote from Kris that I discovered in the depths of my old journal last night.
After dinner I did a little bit of DDR with my sisters; bad idea, I've had indigestion all evening. Serves me right :P
Then this evening was the opening evening for prospective year 7's at my old school. So I went along. I saw a few old teachers; had a quick gossip with Mrs. Grogan and Miss Gospel (chemistry teachers), saw Mrs. Szmid (form tutor/DT teacher from long ago), Mr. Walker (my form tutor last year, who thought I was Fiona), Mrs. Jones (very very old art teacher, who thought I was "Meghann's sister" -_-), Mr. Hartley (Latin teacher, with whom I had a good discussion about Quintus' adventures in Britain), Mrs. MacLeod and Mrs. Robinson (English teachers) and even Mrs. Hall (headteacher, who I don't think I've ever had a conversation with before). I saw Mrs. Moore briefly, and she gave me a hug and a kiss, and she said she'd catch up with me again later...but I couldn't find her.
I've once again moved on mentally from that school. Another Meghann/Terra thing. When I'm Meghann I'm quite happy there; when I'm Terra, I'm just...not.
Mrs. Szmid gave me some quite impressive news: my coursework portfolio for food tech has been chosen by EDEXCEL (examining board) to be exhibited at their showcase thingy. I feel special.
I remembered how much I loved so many of the subject. Latin, for example...bloody hard, but it was just....somewhat enchanting, really, to be reading Caecilius' and Quintus' adventures for the best part of four years. Towards the end of the GCSE, Mr. Hartley gave us the choice of doing the last book of the course or going straight onto the poetry. We made him tell us exactly what happened to Quintus before we'd do the poetry (it was easier and quicker than translating it ourselves :D).
But I can safely say that I don't wish to go back there. Several people asked me my long-term plans, but I said I'm doing nothing and taking a break from life right now. I'm not anywhere as academic as they'd like to think, you know. Mrs. Robinson expected me to be spending most of my time reading, lol. Yah right.
And now I'm completely exhausted. My legs have had it. I think I shall be sleeping well tonight.
I seem to have come to the conclusion that I wish to be known as Terra again. I must integrate 'Sparrow' into my name somewhere though. Since I already made up a double-barrel surname for myself, I guess I'll put it as my middle name. Terra Sparrow Niikura-Matsumoto. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? :D
My life is very slowly getting back together. It's going to be a while yet, but I'm getting there. *Extends hugs to everyone*
Edit:My user info says I used to be known as Terra but I'm not any more. Blah. I'll sort it out tomorrow, I think.
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| Hmmmm |
[02 Oct 2003|08:48am] |
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the mystical computer whirring |
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I think I confused people with my request last night.
And people have confused me with the answers, lol.
I guess you're right in that a name is just that, a name....but there's more to it than that as well. Names for the different sides of myself.
I don't particularly think one hides behind the other (thought I may just be in denial). I think they just have different attitudes to life. For example, 'Meghann' copes by beating up on herself non-stop (this is different from the way I ignore what my body's telling me); 'Terra' copes by having a ma-hoozively bad attitude. 'Meghann' has nil sense of humour while 'Terra' finds most things amusing. So I guess it just depends on how I'm feeling. And right now I'm feeling, acting and thinking Terra-ish-ly.
There, perhaps I should think about these things more before I ask other people :D and now to decide whether I carry on using this journal, my old one, or get another name completely. I've a feeling I'll go for the second option, but I'm not sure. The only thing about that one was that I've deleted most of my memories. Thrown them away, along with the rest of my life :D
I appear to be over the troubles of the past 24 hours and am feeling much better this morning.
I sense a Terra/Meghann essay coming up later today :D
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| Public vote |
[01 Oct 2003|10:55pm] |
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I'd like you all to vote on something....
Some of you knew me before I ever became 'Terra', you all knew 'Terra' at my/her best, you all witnesser me/her falling apart...and most of you have some idea of what I've been like in the past year.
Which name do you identify me with best? Meghann, or Terra?
Edit: I found the "you aren't drastic enough" conversation...I posted it in my old jounal. He told me, at 12:16am on my 15th birthday, "The only thing that's wrong with you Meghann, is that you aren't drastic enough ^^;".
And I found this. What it is to be a Terra. And...that is me as I am now.
This bit's interesting: Being Terra is about....being thin. About being confident, in shape, active, alert, awake. The only reason Terra was "anorexic" was because Terra has a different body than Meghann does.....did.
I've found an alternative body shape that's suitable for Terra now. Meghann was just pretty much either a fat slob or emaciated. Terra prefers to be in shape...before that meant losing weight (until it got out of hand). This time it means building muscle, cardio workouts, etc.
But....I'd still appreciate your opinions on this.....
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| Hehe |
[01 Oct 2003|10:04pm] |
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Oooh look what I've found:
I'm seriously asking myself why the hell I want to go to Japan. Or rather....why I thought I did. Because I don't. I mean, what's in Japan that was making me want to go? I can go for like, a week or two, to see bands play live. There's not exactly much chance of being able to see them play while I'm on exchange anyway. So it's not that.
That's from June 2002. I knew I didn't want to do what I was doing, even then. I should seriously have done something about it then. I think what I wanted was to go to Tokyo or Osaka or somewhere really interesting and somewhat more Western...not some ugly little city in the middle of nowhere.
I'm really feeling quite scared by the way I now once again want to go to Japan...even kind of want to be known as Terra again. Only kind of, though.
I don't know.
My mum informs me I'm on the rebound. That I went through a stage of wanting nothing like it was before, and now I want everything like it was before. And eventually I'll find a medium. In my opinion, though, I've gone round in a full circle, now I'm back where I was, and I want to carry on from there before things started going wrong.
I reiterate, I don't know.
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| Mou ichido onegaishimasu |
[01 Oct 2003|08:47pm] |
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That was a very, very useful phrase in Japan. Along with 'wakaranai', and the various ways fo sayign "I'm tired" that I have currently forgotten.
All in all I've had a pretty shitty day.
After receiving the bad news this morning, and being pissed off that when you put on weight it all goes on your stomach for many months before distributing properly, I decided to go to the gym. The membership card that I thought I'd lost was, in fact, exactly where I'd left it. So I cycled down there, and ended up doing way more than I should have. I justify it by saying that I ate 2 cereal bars and a chocolate bar during the course of the morning, but it doesn't excuse the fact that it's anorexic-type behaviour. As everyone knows by now, I do what I want and there's very little anyone can do about it, so...yeah. I swam a few lengths as well, and sat in the jacuzzi for a bit, and very briefly went in the steam room, but had to leave again upon noticing that I couldn't actually breathe.
I felt considerably better after that. I rode back home, and got there just before midday. My mum was up town so I waited for her to get back before having lunch....
This afternoon I went to the library to get a Japanese language book. They don't have a grand selection. They do have a CD set, but that was checked out today before I got there, annoyingly. I should have requested it while I was there but I forgot.
After walking back I had the full intention of playing Oni while cranking Buck-Tick. But guess what? I sold it! Hahaha how stupid am I???? That was just the icing on the cake, made worse my continuing feelings of stupidity for getting rid of my guitar and my Japanese books.
I got out Ellen's guitar and played that for a bit, but it's a bit small...though strangely it's just as easy for me to play right-handed as left-handed. Then I did some Japanese from this crappy little book....I know 90% of what I've gone through so far though....blah, my old books were much better.
I asked my mum what she did with them when I asked her to get rid of them; apparently she gave them to the library. They didn't show up on the list when I asked the attendant person if they had any books that were currently checked out. So I suppose they've discarded them too.
I just can't decribe how frustrated and angry I am with myself. I was doing just fine until some weirdo came into my life and my body and proceeded to wreck absolutely everything. Half my possessions are gone, friendships lost (though thankfully, it seems that most people haven't forgotten the real me).....
Ewwwwww they've got crayfish on the TV and they're talking about recipes for them, and the guy just took some of the caviar and ate it. Ewwwwww, I feel sick now.
This evening I've been doing nothing at all and I'm currently very bored. Want to play DDR but my legs are a bit tired and I don't want them to be aching tomorrow. I can make them ache again tomorrow morning, then.
Everyone else is out at Bishop Wulstan's opening evening....it seems that that's where Ellen's going if she doesn't get into Rugby High.
Mou ichido, onegaishimasu....can I have my life back again, please.
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| Can I just disappear please? |
[01 Oct 2003|02:25pm] |
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I got rid of Oni, too. I really want to play that game again now.
I really piss myself off sometimes.
LIKE NOW.
Edit: It's such a goddamn Mushi day. And now I've scratched the back of my Kisou CD booklet. ARGH.
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| Blah |
[01 Oct 2003|08:37am] |
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This morning, I am not happy with the world.
It's nice to find out that people you knew and trusted were fraudsters, isn't it?
And trust is hard to come by with me. Well, it shall be even harder from now on.
Well I'm off to the gym. Coping mechanism? Oh my god yes. Do I care? No, I don't give a fuck, especially when I'm still gaining weight faster than most people at the Woodbourne, anyway. (Not that I'm upset about that, it just PISSES ME OFF because I've just spent ?130 on jeans and trousers that probably aren't going to fit for long now).
Edit: I don't believe this. I've lost my fucking gym card.
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| Copied from Jub |
[30 Sep 2003|09:42pm] |
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Buck-Tick - Jupiter |
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Eight songs to take with me on a desert island:
- hide - Pink Spider (one of my theme songs, and one of hide's numbers that always cheer me up when I'm down)
- Dir en grey - Embryo (just a soothing song, makes me forget where I am and all the wrongs of the world)
- Dir en grey - Myaku (probably my definitive theme song, in the sense of the theme songs in Ally McBeal)
- Dir en grey - Gyakujou tannou keloid milk (pumps me up with insanity! I just have to headbang to this one)
- Dir en grey - Audrey (my moving on song...actually, possibly that's not such a good idea if I'm stuck on a desert island)
- L'Arc~en~Ciel - Beautiful Years (all through my illness I never stopped getting this in my head on a regular basis. No other song has that particular claim to fame)
- Buck-Tick - Jupiter (memories of great people and a great time...Shinyakun would know what I'm referring to, hehe)
- Final Fantasy VII - Main Theme (only the theme to the biggest adventure ever)
- Xenogears - Main Theme (only the theme to the other biggest adventure ever)
- And finally...Dir en grey - Ain't Afraid to Die (for when I finally give up and decide to shoot myself with that one bullet in the pistol, because it's just music to die to)
That was more than 8, wasn't it? :P Oh well
I'm hungry. And once again am worn out with this battle. Heh, that reminds me, horoscopes are scary. Yesterday it said something like, "Do you enjoy your constant struggle, or would you prefer it if life was a little easier?", followed by what to do about it. And today it's "You and your past are caught up in some tryst that doesn't want to let you go. You might think it never will - break that thought-pattern with some action." It's just...very clever, how you can apply it to yourself almost without fail.
I really need to hurry up with getting my life.
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| *sigh* |
[30 Sep 2003|08:52pm] |
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I really, really hate my head sometimes, lol. Damn crazy ideas.
Anyway. Today was quite productive, really. I cycled down to the station, which is always nice. I love my bike. Some survey-taker-person stopped me on the station, which I don't mind in itself, because I like trains and stuff, but she didn't believe me when I said I was 18. Said she thought I looked younger. Weird, most people think I'm older than I am.
I actually got to the hospital on time today. The group this morning was kinda useless (there's a surprise). However, I did see lots of people this afternoon.
First was Stelios. I basically just told him about how my family seem to hate each other at the moment, and then I went through my homework. He seemed impressed...but then I imagine he seems impressed with everyone, just to encourage them.
Then Janice. I was feeling brave so I had a full body massage. It's strange to think that less than 4 months ago, I didn't really want to have just my hand massaged.
Then the dietician. She also thinks I'm not getting enough starch with my meals, but then I knew that anyway, and we agreed that for now it's okay to have starch for my snacks. She said that the amount I'm eating doesn't look like a lot on paper, to which I also agreed. She weighed me, though it's not a very good reflection of my actual weight, since it was after lunch by this time...I won't really know until I weigh myself again tomorrow morning before breakfast.
And finally Jo, who I managed to talk at for 40 minutes. Again about my family...and how stupid I feel for throwing so much stuff away, both metaphorically and literally...the only thing she could really say to that was that time heals.
I ran to catch the bus, and got the 1705 train back... The electronic announcement system in B'ham New Street wasn't working too well today. "This is a platform change announcement. The 1705 [which I happened to already be sitting on at the time, on the original platform] to London Euston will now be arriving at platform *bing*!"
I'm not sure where I was when I was on the train on the way back, but I don't think I was in my body. I just had that detached feeling...I really like it, actually. As I'm sure everyone knows by now, because of the number of times I repeat myself, I don't feel very attached to my body at the best of times.
I got back at about 6pm, microwaved myself some dinner....and haven't done much else this evening.
Ellen did her first 11+ paper today (selection test thing for high school - if she does well she'll get into my old school, if she doesn't do so well, she'll go to my sister's old school). The general consensus is that she did "okay." She said to my mum that she got to #95 out of 100, and only had to leave 5...and she gets most of the ones she answers right in the practise papers.
I'm trying to work hard on rebuilding my relationship with my dad. It's not easy though. Doesn't seem like there's much to talk about...most of the time I'm just asking him about work. I am genuinely interested, so I don't get bored, but...there's only so much that he has to say. He gave me an advertisement for a video game development company earlier. Not sure what to make of that. Is he saying that I should work for them, or at least not do retail? Or is he genuinely trying to be helpful, because once upon a time I did want to do something like that? Who knows....well, I thanked him for it, but I shan't be making any enquiries at the current time.
I've got two photos from the EDU's day trip to Llandudno at the beginning of August...I'll have to scan them in at some point.
Linkin Park are playing at the NEC at the end of November; I want to go see them (I want, I want, I want...)
Tomorrow I'm going to go to the library and have a look for language books....need to be studying something. The only reason I found it so hard to learn Japanese before, I'm sure, was because I was starving. I haven't learnt anything since then really. Sure, I've memorised a few facts - for my chemistry and the like - but I haven't learnt anything, for example, in English. Luckily I just knew enough to begin with. So, I'm going to try that again, since I seem to be remembering more than I remember knowing in the first place.
And that's it for today's collection of randomness, I do believe. Apologies for the typos that I'm sure are rife throughout.
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| Heh |
[30 Sep 2003|08:27am] |
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Well thank god I have a job to excuse me from even being able to contemplate going for new year's eve this year :P
Otherwise I'd already be driving myself insane.
Be quiet, brain.
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| *shivers* |
[29 Sep 2003|06:57pm] |
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In summary, today has been an Akuro no Oka day.
I went back to the Woodbourne this morning, like a good little girl. Only I ended up being late because the train decided to sit on the track in the middle of nowhere for a while, so I missed the bus. Then I got lost in House of Fraser looking for the exit after using the toilets. Then the next bus was late too. So I missed half of the body image group this morning.
Not that the group was any good. When I got there, they'd been filling out these sheets that had common assumptions about physical appearance etc. I'm not showing off, but....I skipped through it in about 2 minutes....and everyone else really struggled. Why am I there? Not only is it a waste of my time, but it's a waste of theirs, too, because they blatantly need the help. I've just...challenged it all already.
Had my lunch with Caz and Sam. I hardly said a word. Even a few times when I inquired as to something they were talking about...I got no response. I'm not sure whether they just didn't hear me (not wholly likely as I speak quite loudly at the moment) or they didn't want to say. So, it appears I'm officially no longer part of the group.
There was a self-awareness group this afternoon. Just wrote a list of the effects that our recovery had on other people. I fail to see the point of this. I know it has good effects, and I already know what they are, so...
Alison was definitely there today, and still didn't see me. Neither did Dr. Villa (though he may still be off work because of his back).
And after all that uselessness, I had to wait for a late bus in the cold rain, wait for a train that ended up being late and switched stations at the last minute so I nearly missed it anyway, and stand up for most of the journey.
Now I just feel thoroughly miserable for some reason.
I think I'm expecting to suddenly have a life. But...I don't. I'm working on it, but I'm still getting miserable in the mean time, apparently.
And it's weird because I was perfectly happy until I got home.
I wish my mum wouldn't give me such stupidly large dinners. Makes me feel bad and confused for leaving any of it.
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| I love this webcam |
[28 Sep 2003|09:25pm] |
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It always takes nice pics of me.
Except today, because it's making me look evil.
See?
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| Bleemin' computer :P |
[28 Sep 2003|07:26pm] |
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Kimon DVD |
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I just did this huge test and it crashed. So I'm going to do it again.
The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test
| | Category | Your Score | Average LJer | | Community Attachment | 49.46%
There's a party in your comments page, and everyone's invited! | 23.98% | | MemeSheepage | 71.93%
I am but one quiz among millions. My brethren surround me on the page. | 29.91% | | Original Content | 79.03%
Newsweek, People, and vagabondmeghann's journal | 39.78% | | Psychodrama Quotient | 48.19%
Would it kill you to smile? CHEER UP! | 17.03% | | Attention Whoring | 52.27%
You'd sell your mother for another three friends | 21.36% | |
The first one...that did used to be true, I suppose. Not any more. I wish it was.
The second is true XD unfortunately, but I can't rely deny it, lol.
The third, I hope, is also true.
The fourth definitely used to be I hope it isn't any more...
And the last one is decidedly untrue any more. The only reason I wish I had more friends was so that I had more entries to read.
( And some more )
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| AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[28 Sep 2003|01:05pm] |
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X Japan - Rusty Nail |
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My family are driving me UP THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know how every now and again, you get conversations where one person doesn't hear another person and thinks they've said something entirely different? Or where one question gets asked, and then another, and then someone answers the first question but the other person thinks it's the answer to the second? Well my family are having an ENTIRE FREAKIN' DAY OF DOING THAT.
It really isn't that hard to listen to people, is it?
In other news, I've finished my homework, written a letter, and been into town to make sure that I had the right time for next Sunday (after a minor panic that it was actually this Sunday).
And in other other news, I need to save something like ?3000/US$5000 by next summer. Should be fun.
And in other other other news, I still like X Japan, and there's a film with Mr. Depp in on TV tonight.
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| It's a hide day today |
[28 Sep 2003|09:17am] |
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hide - Genkai Haretsu |
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I had a dream about Jess and Hikari and Dir en grey... I think I need to write to Hikari.
The world is not so okay this morning. Not sure why.
I'm currently writing something for my psychotherapist, an article by a journalist about me involved in some incident, and I have to describe myself as said journalist would. It's supposed to be so that he can get an idea of my self-image, but it isn't as easy as it sounds.
Heh, I just noticed that I wrote "fat-fetched" when I wrote that entry about OUATIM a couple of days ago.
In the middle of last night I had a panic about whether I was actually meant to go to Game today, not next Sunday. So I'm going to head along at 11 o' clock anyway, just to confirm it. Because it wouldn't be any good to not turn up if I am supposed to be there :P
Now I should stop putting off writing this article :D
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| Ah oui |
[27 Sep 2003|10:16pm] |
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rien |
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Les francaises ont un magazine de J-musique, et les anglaises?
Je pense que je peux l'acheter et lirer...j'ai oublie beaucoup de mon francais, mais je comprends un petit. Plus que japonais.
Mais je n'ai pas du monnaie (oui, je sais que le n'est pas le mot que je veux, mais je l'ai oublie).
Ah, mon francais, c'est un horreur!
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| Tired |
[27 Sep 2003|07:57pm] |
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TV |
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I think I'm incapable of keeping my desk tidy.
Today's been quite busy. This morning I washed my bike, and then we went to TK Maxx so I could get more gym clothes. This afternoon my sister went riding, and I went with my mum to see my grandma while Fiona was at her lesson. And on the way back I went into town briefly, and walked the rest of the way home. Then we went to the gym.
Ugh...
I need to earn a lot of money.
But I shan't say why. Not just yet, anyway. I think one person reading this knows why, though, lol.
I'm amazed that I'm actually getting hunger cues. They say that doesn't normally come back for about 8 months.
I'm noticing that I feel less fat after going to the gym. Is this normal, or is this me being anorexic?
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vagabondmeghann's journal